Sword Play
Cast
Number 1
Doctor
Number 2
Number 3
Corpse
A dance is performed in the usual manner, ending in either a star or triangle lock (not a twisted triangle).
Feel free to take liberties with the text for the parts that aren't in rhyme. Ad libs, phrases to suit venue/occasion, etc.
When in doubt, ham it to the hilt.
Number 1
Can we have a volunteer from the audience?
Excellent. Please put your head in here. It's perfectly safe. Don't worry, we're insured. Nothing can possibly go wrong.
Dancers: 1,2,3
Circle with lock around volunteer's neck, and draw swords at the end of the phrase. Volunteer dies and collapses to the ground.
Number 1
Who did this deadly deed and laid her on the ground?
Who was it drew the sword that made this dreadful wound?
Number 2
Wasn't me – it was him/her (points at number 3)
Number 3
Wasn't me – I was at the bar/in Poole/skydiving/etc.
Number 1
Is there a doctor to be found
To raise this dead man/woman from the ground?
Doctor
Oh yes! There is a doctor to be found,
To raise this dead man from the ground,
And have him/her for to stand,
To be the pride of Dorset,
The best in all the land.
Number 1
What canst thou cure?
Doctor
I can cure the itch, the stitch, the palsy and the gout
Pains within, and pains without,
If a man has a dozen devils in him,
Why, I'll soon cast thirty out.
Number 1
You're very clever Doctor,
Where have you been to learn such things?
Doctor
To Toddler Group and Rhyme Time,
Where I studied half my lifetime,
I've been to the land of Niddy Nod,
Where wooden horses are silver shod.
I've ridden backwards over the sea
And learnt from the mermaids who sang to me.
I have plaster and potions, poisons, and pills,
Some to cure, and some to kill;
A broken leg or arm, I soon can soothe the pain
And if you break your neck, I'll set it stout again.
Omnes
Is that all?
Doctor
I cured the King of Borogovia of a boil on his bunion,
Omnes
Is that all?
Doctor
I cured a young cordwangler of a grunger in his moulies.
Omnes
Is that all?
Doctor
I can make crutches for crickets, legs for lame ducks,
I can fix a spaceship, before it self-destructs!
I can cure anything conceivable
And my fees are very reasonable.
Number 1
What is thy fee?
Doctor
Five thousand pounds it is my fee,
For a poor young man like thee.
Corpse (happily)
Is that all?
Number 1
I haven't got that much money.
Doctor
what have you got? Number 1
Two pound, sixty three,
and half a bottle of old JD.
Doctor
I only take decimal currency.
Number 1
Currency? What irony: I only carry plastic.
And in a play of this vintage,
You'll need money that's printed.
It's not the amount that you hoped,
But I might have a twenty pound note...
Doctor
(Triumphantly produces card reader, possibly pick-pocketed from the Corpse)
Give me your card and PIN
And then I'll work my magic spin.
Number 1
(Reluctantly hands over card and pays)
Try thy skill.
Doctor
(A whole slapstick routine now takes place between Doctor and the Corpse. When they run out of ideas, the doctor takes out his medicine bottle.)
Doctor
I have this little bottle of elecampane
Just one drop for this dead man
Will give him life again.
{Gives drop to the slain, who rises.}
Omnes
Sing “We wish you a Merry Christmas”.
Doctor
Now our play is ended,
Please give us your applause,
And donate your excess money,
To a very worthy cause!
Number 1
Doctor
Number 2
Number 3
Corpse
A dance is performed in the usual manner, ending in either a star or triangle lock (not a twisted triangle).
Feel free to take liberties with the text for the parts that aren't in rhyme. Ad libs, phrases to suit venue/occasion, etc.
When in doubt, ham it to the hilt.
Number 1
Can we have a volunteer from the audience?
Excellent. Please put your head in here. It's perfectly safe. Don't worry, we're insured. Nothing can possibly go wrong.
Dancers: 1,2,3
Circle with lock around volunteer's neck, and draw swords at the end of the phrase. Volunteer dies and collapses to the ground.
Number 1
Who did this deadly deed and laid her on the ground?
Who was it drew the sword that made this dreadful wound?
Number 2
Wasn't me – it was him/her (points at number 3)
Number 3
Wasn't me – I was at the bar/in Poole/skydiving/etc.
Number 1
Is there a doctor to be found
To raise this dead man/woman from the ground?
Doctor
Oh yes! There is a doctor to be found,
To raise this dead man from the ground,
And have him/her for to stand,
To be the pride of Dorset,
The best in all the land.
Number 1
What canst thou cure?
Doctor
I can cure the itch, the stitch, the palsy and the gout
Pains within, and pains without,
If a man has a dozen devils in him,
Why, I'll soon cast thirty out.
Number 1
You're very clever Doctor,
Where have you been to learn such things?
Doctor
To Toddler Group and Rhyme Time,
Where I studied half my lifetime,
I've been to the land of Niddy Nod,
Where wooden horses are silver shod.
I've ridden backwards over the sea
And learnt from the mermaids who sang to me.
I have plaster and potions, poisons, and pills,
Some to cure, and some to kill;
A broken leg or arm, I soon can soothe the pain
And if you break your neck, I'll set it stout again.
Omnes
Is that all?
Doctor
I cured the King of Borogovia of a boil on his bunion,
Omnes
Is that all?
Doctor
I cured a young cordwangler of a grunger in his moulies.
Omnes
Is that all?
Doctor
I can make crutches for crickets, legs for lame ducks,
I can fix a spaceship, before it self-destructs!
I can cure anything conceivable
And my fees are very reasonable.
Number 1
What is thy fee?
Doctor
Five thousand pounds it is my fee,
For a poor young man like thee.
Corpse (happily)
Is that all?
Number 1
I haven't got that much money.
Doctor
what have you got? Number 1
Two pound, sixty three,
and half a bottle of old JD.
Doctor
I only take decimal currency.
Number 1
Currency? What irony: I only carry plastic.
And in a play of this vintage,
You'll need money that's printed.
It's not the amount that you hoped,
But I might have a twenty pound note...
Doctor
(Triumphantly produces card reader, possibly pick-pocketed from the Corpse)
Give me your card and PIN
And then I'll work my magic spin.
Number 1
(Reluctantly hands over card and pays)
Try thy skill.
Doctor
(A whole slapstick routine now takes place between Doctor and the Corpse. When they run out of ideas, the doctor takes out his medicine bottle.)
Doctor
I have this little bottle of elecampane
Just one drop for this dead man
Will give him life again.
{Gives drop to the slain, who rises.}
Omnes
Sing “We wish you a Merry Christmas”.
Doctor
Now our play is ended,
Please give us your applause,
And donate your excess money,
To a very worthy cause!
