Sword Play
Cast
Number 1
Doctor
Number 2
Number 3
Corpse
Insurance Assessor
Undertaker
A dance is performed in the usual manner, ending in either a star or triangle lock (not a twisted triangle).
Feel free to take liberties with the text for the parts that aren't in rhyme. Ad libs, phrases to suit venue/occasion, etc.
When in doubt, ham it to the hilt.
Number 1
Can we have a volunteer from the audience?
Excellent. Please put your head in here. It's perfectly safe. Don't worry, nothing can possibly go wrong. Besides, we're fully insured.
Dancers: 1,2,3
Circle with lock around volunteer's neck, and draw swords at the end of the phrase. Volunteer dies and collapses to the ground.
Number 1
Who was it who drew the sword that cut this woman's throat?
I feel that it was someone with a very flash waistcoat...
Number 2
Wasn't me – I was in Swanage (invent any excuse that is funny)
Number 3
Wasn't me – I was at the bar/in Poole/skydiving/etc.
Number 1
Wasn't me - I was talking to the audience.
This loss of life in one so young
Is a tragedy worthy of rhyme and song
But every cloud has a silver lining
Perhaps today, my sun is shining...
By a most convenient occurrence
We recently took out insurance!
And here is where I'm going to win
I am this dead soul's next-of-kin!
Chris
Rowan!
Number 1
Yes Mum?
I know, handy isn't it!
Insurance Assessor
In comes I, the insurance assessor
Not only smart but a snappy dresser
I believe you're insured for one million pound
In regard of that corpse lying on the ground
Number 1 (wiping away a fake tear)
Yes, I fear she's very dead
Slipped and fell and banged her head
Dead as a doornail and pushing up daisies
Kicked the bucket and other phrases
Undertaker
In comes I, the Undertaker
I bury those who've met their Maker.
I'm going to measure this corpse for size.
I'll just ignore these other guys.
Insurance Assessor
I think I would save a lot of cash
If we could fix her in a flash.
Number 1
No, no I'm sure that can't be done
It's just a story you've been spun
Chris
Hey, hang on that's my daughter/ (Mam)
And if it's possible you ought'er/ (you can)
See if you can bring her back
Is there a way to save my Jax?
Insurance Assessor
Is there a doctor to be found
To raise this dead man/woman from the ground?
Doctor
Oh yes! There is a doctor to be found,
To raise this dead man from the ground,
And have him/her for to stand,
To be the pride of Dorset,
The best in all the land.
Number 1
What canst thou cure?
Doctor
I can cure the itch, the stitch, the palsy and the gout
Pains within, and pains without,
If a man has a dozen devils in him,
Why, I'll soon cast thirty out.
Number 1
You're very clever Doctor,
Where have you been to learn such things?
Doctor
To Toddler Group and Rhyme Time,
Where I studied half my lifetime,
I've been to the land of Niddy Nod,
Where wooden horses are silver shod.
I've ridden backwards over the sea
And learnt from the mermaids who sang to me.
I have plasters and potions, poisons, and pills,
Some to cure, and some to kill;
A broken leg or arm, I soon can soothe the pain
And if you break your neck, I'll set it stout again.
Omnes
Is that all?
Doctor
I cured the King of Borogovia of a boil on his bunion,
Omnes
Is that all?
Doctor
I cured a young cordwrangler of a grunger in his moulies.
Omnes
Is that all?
Doctor
I can make crutches for crickets, legs for lame ducks,
I can fix a spaceship, before it self-destructs!
I can cure anything conceivable
And my fees are very reasonable.
Number 1
What is thy fee?
Doctor
Ten thousand pounds it is my fee,
For a poor young man like thee.
Corpse (happily)
Is that all?
Number 1
I haven't got that much money.
Doctor
what have you got?
Number 1
Roots in his pockets and comes up with several large silverish coins.
Doctor
Going through them one by one and either putting them in his pocket or tossing them away. (If they land near the body, the corpse will reach out a hand and pocket the coin)
Jubilee crown - legal tender for 25p
Ten Franc coin - useless. Have you heard of Euros?
Dollar coin - nope.
Jubilee crown - legal tender for 25p
Silver threepenny bit? I'll have that to put in my Christmas pudding.
What about the remaining £4999.47?
i only take pounds sterling, as defined by the Coinage Act of1971
Number 1 (Looks thoughtfully at the corpse)
I'd pay you from my banking app
I keep it on my phone
My phone is in my pocket
DAMN! I left it back at home
I think Jax has a credit card...
Number 1 and Doctor
Exchange a significant look and go to pickpocket opposite sides of the corpse. As soon as one finds the credit card, the doctor will produce his card reader.
Doctor
Listen to my magic spin.
Raise your hand, input your pin.
(Holds up corpse's hand to card reader, and corpse duly punches in the PIN)
Number 1
Try thy skill.
Doctor
(A whole slapstick routine now takes place between Doctor and the Corpse. When they run out of ideas, the doctor takes out his medicine bottle.)
Doctor
I have this little bottle of elecampane
Just one drop for this dead man
Will give him life again.
{Gives drop to the slain, who rises.}
Omnes
Sing “We wish you a Merry Christmas”.
Doctor
Now our play is ended,
Please give us your applause,
And donate your excess money,
To a very worthy cause!
Number 1
Doctor
Number 2
Number 3
Corpse
Insurance Assessor
Undertaker
A dance is performed in the usual manner, ending in either a star or triangle lock (not a twisted triangle).
Feel free to take liberties with the text for the parts that aren't in rhyme. Ad libs, phrases to suit venue/occasion, etc.
When in doubt, ham it to the hilt.
Number 1
Can we have a volunteer from the audience?
Excellent. Please put your head in here. It's perfectly safe. Don't worry, nothing can possibly go wrong. Besides, we're fully insured.
Dancers: 1,2,3
Circle with lock around volunteer's neck, and draw swords at the end of the phrase. Volunteer dies and collapses to the ground.
Number 1
Who was it who drew the sword that cut this woman's throat?
I feel that it was someone with a very flash waistcoat...
Number 2
Wasn't me – I was in Swanage (invent any excuse that is funny)
Number 3
Wasn't me – I was at the bar/in Poole/skydiving/etc.
Number 1
Wasn't me - I was talking to the audience.
This loss of life in one so young
Is a tragedy worthy of rhyme and song
But every cloud has a silver lining
Perhaps today, my sun is shining...
By a most convenient occurrence
We recently took out insurance!
And here is where I'm going to win
I am this dead soul's next-of-kin!
Chris
Rowan!
Number 1
Yes Mum?
I know, handy isn't it!
Insurance Assessor
In comes I, the insurance assessor
Not only smart but a snappy dresser
I believe you're insured for one million pound
In regard of that corpse lying on the ground
Number 1 (wiping away a fake tear)
Yes, I fear she's very dead
Slipped and fell and banged her head
Dead as a doornail and pushing up daisies
Kicked the bucket and other phrases
Undertaker
In comes I, the Undertaker
I bury those who've met their Maker.
I'm going to measure this corpse for size.
I'll just ignore these other guys.
Insurance Assessor
I think I would save a lot of cash
If we could fix her in a flash.
Number 1
No, no I'm sure that can't be done
It's just a story you've been spun
Chris
Hey, hang on that's my daughter/ (Mam)
And if it's possible you ought'er/ (you can)
See if you can bring her back
Is there a way to save my Jax?
Insurance Assessor
Is there a doctor to be found
To raise this dead man/woman from the ground?
Doctor
Oh yes! There is a doctor to be found,
To raise this dead man from the ground,
And have him/her for to stand,
To be the pride of Dorset,
The best in all the land.
Number 1
What canst thou cure?
Doctor
I can cure the itch, the stitch, the palsy and the gout
Pains within, and pains without,
If a man has a dozen devils in him,
Why, I'll soon cast thirty out.
Number 1
You're very clever Doctor,
Where have you been to learn such things?
Doctor
To Toddler Group and Rhyme Time,
Where I studied half my lifetime,
I've been to the land of Niddy Nod,
Where wooden horses are silver shod.
I've ridden backwards over the sea
And learnt from the mermaids who sang to me.
I have plasters and potions, poisons, and pills,
Some to cure, and some to kill;
A broken leg or arm, I soon can soothe the pain
And if you break your neck, I'll set it stout again.
Omnes
Is that all?
Doctor
I cured the King of Borogovia of a boil on his bunion,
Omnes
Is that all?
Doctor
I cured a young cordwrangler of a grunger in his moulies.
Omnes
Is that all?
Doctor
I can make crutches for crickets, legs for lame ducks,
I can fix a spaceship, before it self-destructs!
I can cure anything conceivable
And my fees are very reasonable.
Number 1
What is thy fee?
Doctor
Ten thousand pounds it is my fee,
For a poor young man like thee.
Corpse (happily)
Is that all?
Number 1
I haven't got that much money.
Doctor
what have you got?
Number 1
Roots in his pockets and comes up with several large silverish coins.
Doctor
Going through them one by one and either putting them in his pocket or tossing them away. (If they land near the body, the corpse will reach out a hand and pocket the coin)
Jubilee crown - legal tender for 25p
Ten Franc coin - useless. Have you heard of Euros?
Dollar coin - nope.
Jubilee crown - legal tender for 25p
Silver threepenny bit? I'll have that to put in my Christmas pudding.
What about the remaining £4999.47?
i only take pounds sterling, as defined by the Coinage Act of1971
Number 1 (Looks thoughtfully at the corpse)
I'd pay you from my banking app
I keep it on my phone
My phone is in my pocket
DAMN! I left it back at home
I think Jax has a credit card...
Number 1 and Doctor
Exchange a significant look and go to pickpocket opposite sides of the corpse. As soon as one finds the credit card, the doctor will produce his card reader.
Doctor
Listen to my magic spin.
Raise your hand, input your pin.
(Holds up corpse's hand to card reader, and corpse duly punches in the PIN)
Number 1
Try thy skill.
Doctor
(A whole slapstick routine now takes place between Doctor and the Corpse. When they run out of ideas, the doctor takes out his medicine bottle.)
Doctor
I have this little bottle of elecampane
Just one drop for this dead man
Will give him life again.
{Gives drop to the slain, who rises.}
Omnes
Sing “We wish you a Merry Christmas”.
Doctor
Now our play is ended,
Please give us your applause,
And donate your excess money,
To a very worthy cause!