Sword Play
Cast
Number 1
Doctor
Number 2
Number 3
Corpse
A dance is performed in the usual manner, ending in either a star or triangle lock (not a twisted triangle).
Feel free to take liberties with the text for the parts that aren't in rhyme. Ad libs, phrases to suit venue/occasion, etc.
When in doubt, ham it to the hilt.
Number 1
Can we have a volunteer from the audience?
Excellent. Please put your head in here. It's perfectly safe. Don't worry, we're insured. Nothing can possibly go wrong.
Dancers: 1,2,3
Circle with lock around volunteer's neck, and draw swords at the end of the phrase. Volunteer dies and collapses to the ground.
Number 1
Who did this deadly deed and laid her on the ground?
Who was it drew the sword that made this dreadful wound?
Number 2
Wasn't me – I was in Swanage (invent any excuse that is funny)
Number 3
Wasn't me – I was at the bar/in Poole/skydiving/etc.
Number 1
Wasn't me - I was talking to the audience.
Is there a doctor to be found
To raise this dead man/woman from the ground?
Doctor
Oh yes! There is a doctor to be found,
To raise this dead man from the ground,
And have him/her for to stand,
To be the pride of Dorset,
The best in all the land.
Number 1
What canst thou cure?
Doctor
I can cure the itch, the stitch, the palsy and the gout
Pains within, and pains without,
If a man has a dozen devils in him,
Why, I'll soon cast thirty out.
Number 1
You're very clever Doctor,
Where have you been to learn such things?
Doctor
To Toddler Group and Rhyme Time,
Where I studied half my lifetime,
I've been to the land of Niddy Nod,
Where wooden horses are silver shod.
I've ridden backwards over the sea
And learnt from the mermaids who sang to me.
I have plaster and potions, poisons, and pills,
Some to cure, and some to kill;
A broken leg or arm, I soon can soothe the pain
And if you break your neck, I'll set it stout again.
Omnes
Is that all?
Doctor
I cured the King of Borogovia of a boil on his bunion,
Omnes
Is that all?
Doctor
I cured a young cordwangler of a grunger in his moulies.
Omnes
Is that all?
Doctor
I can make crutches for crickets, legs for lame ducks,
I can fix a spaceship, before it self-destructs!
I can cure anything conceivable
And my fees are very reasonable.
Number 1
What is thy fee?
Doctor
Five thousand pounds it is my fee,
For a poor young man like thee.
Corpse (happily)
Is that all?
Number 1
I haven't got that much money.
Doctor
what have you got?
Number 1
Roots in his pockets and comes up with several large silverish coins.
Doctor
Going through them one by one and either putting them in his pocket or tossing them away. (If they land near the body, the corpse will reach out a hand and pocket the coin)
Jubilee crown - legal tender for 25p
Ten Franc coin - useless
Dollar coin - nope.
Jubilee crown - legal tender for 25p
Silver threepenny bit? I'll have that to put in my Christmas pudding.
What about the remaining £4999.47?
Number 1
Looks thoughtfully at the corpse
I think she's got a credit card...
Number 1 and Doctor
Exchange a significant look and go to pickpocket opposite sides of the corpse. As soon as one finds the credit card, the doctor will produce his card reader.
Doctor
Listen to my magic spin.
Raise your hand and type your pin.
(Holds up corpse's hand to card reader, and corpse duly punches in the PIN)
Number 1
Try thy skill.
Doctor
(A whole slapstick routine now takes place between Doctor and the Corpse. When they run out of ideas, the doctor takes out his medicine bottle.)
Doctor
I have this little bottle of elecampane
Just one drop for this dead man
Will give him life again.
{Gives drop to the slain, who rises.}
Omnes
Sing “We wish you a Merry Christmas”.
Doctor
Now our play is ended,
Please give us your applause,
And donate your excess money,
To a very worthy cause!
Number 1
Doctor
Number 2
Number 3
Corpse
A dance is performed in the usual manner, ending in either a star or triangle lock (not a twisted triangle).
Feel free to take liberties with the text for the parts that aren't in rhyme. Ad libs, phrases to suit venue/occasion, etc.
When in doubt, ham it to the hilt.
Number 1
Can we have a volunteer from the audience?
Excellent. Please put your head in here. It's perfectly safe. Don't worry, we're insured. Nothing can possibly go wrong.
Dancers: 1,2,3
Circle with lock around volunteer's neck, and draw swords at the end of the phrase. Volunteer dies and collapses to the ground.
Number 1
Who did this deadly deed and laid her on the ground?
Who was it drew the sword that made this dreadful wound?
Number 2
Wasn't me – I was in Swanage (invent any excuse that is funny)
Number 3
Wasn't me – I was at the bar/in Poole/skydiving/etc.
Number 1
Wasn't me - I was talking to the audience.
Is there a doctor to be found
To raise this dead man/woman from the ground?
Doctor
Oh yes! There is a doctor to be found,
To raise this dead man from the ground,
And have him/her for to stand,
To be the pride of Dorset,
The best in all the land.
Number 1
What canst thou cure?
Doctor
I can cure the itch, the stitch, the palsy and the gout
Pains within, and pains without,
If a man has a dozen devils in him,
Why, I'll soon cast thirty out.
Number 1
You're very clever Doctor,
Where have you been to learn such things?
Doctor
To Toddler Group and Rhyme Time,
Where I studied half my lifetime,
I've been to the land of Niddy Nod,
Where wooden horses are silver shod.
I've ridden backwards over the sea
And learnt from the mermaids who sang to me.
I have plaster and potions, poisons, and pills,
Some to cure, and some to kill;
A broken leg or arm, I soon can soothe the pain
And if you break your neck, I'll set it stout again.
Omnes
Is that all?
Doctor
I cured the King of Borogovia of a boil on his bunion,
Omnes
Is that all?
Doctor
I cured a young cordwangler of a grunger in his moulies.
Omnes
Is that all?
Doctor
I can make crutches for crickets, legs for lame ducks,
I can fix a spaceship, before it self-destructs!
I can cure anything conceivable
And my fees are very reasonable.
Number 1
What is thy fee?
Doctor
Five thousand pounds it is my fee,
For a poor young man like thee.
Corpse (happily)
Is that all?
Number 1
I haven't got that much money.
Doctor
what have you got?
Number 1
Roots in his pockets and comes up with several large silverish coins.
Doctor
Going through them one by one and either putting them in his pocket or tossing them away. (If they land near the body, the corpse will reach out a hand and pocket the coin)
Jubilee crown - legal tender for 25p
Ten Franc coin - useless
Dollar coin - nope.
Jubilee crown - legal tender for 25p
Silver threepenny bit? I'll have that to put in my Christmas pudding.
What about the remaining £4999.47?
Number 1
Looks thoughtfully at the corpse
I think she's got a credit card...
Number 1 and Doctor
Exchange a significant look and go to pickpocket opposite sides of the corpse. As soon as one finds the credit card, the doctor will produce his card reader.
Doctor
Listen to my magic spin.
Raise your hand and type your pin.
(Holds up corpse's hand to card reader, and corpse duly punches in the PIN)
Number 1
Try thy skill.
Doctor
(A whole slapstick routine now takes place between Doctor and the Corpse. When they run out of ideas, the doctor takes out his medicine bottle.)
Doctor
I have this little bottle of elecampane
Just one drop for this dead man
Will give him life again.
{Gives drop to the slain, who rises.}
Omnes
Sing “We wish you a Merry Christmas”.
Doctor
Now our play is ended,
Please give us your applause,
And donate your excess money,
To a very worthy cause!
